Being queer

When someone close to me outed themselves I said that I already knew. After all, they had DVDs of Queer as Folk on their dresser, a groundbreaking LGBT+ TV show at the time, so for me everything was clear. Sounds like a joke, but it’s actually true. So I’ve been familiar with the topic for a while and it’s also one that I really like, so why not write a bit about it.

Apart from that it’s June, and June is Pride Month, meaning a month dedicated to promoting (self)acceptance, supporting, understanding and educating about LGBT+ folx. Which makes it feel even more appropriate for me to add my two cents to the whole thing. The idea of Pride month originated in order to commemorate the anniversary of the Stonewall riots in New York in 1969, even though it symbolizes much more in the meantime than just this event, which began movements of increased LGBT+ activism.

I myself have two reasons to take part in this discussion: on one hand I identify as a member of the LGBT+ community, so it’s all pretty important to me, and on the other it’s just an incredibly interesting topic, and as I have mentioned several times over, this is my corner of the internet for interesting things.

Before I move on to all that however, first a little disclaimer. I will never be able to describe everything pertaining to the world of LGBT+ because it is incredibly big and complex, especially because it basically concerns every area of life. And I don’t even want to describe everything and bring up all contexts, because I simply don’t know enough. There are certain aspects however which are worth considering and which I’ll happily write about, so this article will be dedicated to precisely those very specific issues.

And it will remain on the positive side of things, because as much as I believe that it is important to highlight narratives which are difficult and painful, those positive ones shouldn’t be neglected, either.

1. Labels

Labels are a very important element of the LGBT+ world, both internally – as a means of self-identification – and externally – as slurs, used to humiliate.

Which isn’t surprising, because people in general use labels while communicating and streamlining their thought processes but somehow I get the feeling that they can be an especially touchy subject in the context of queer topics. This is probably a result of many labels having been created and used as slurs, and only thanks to the work of activists could some of them gain a different meaning over time.

Due to this and many other circumstances labels are sometimes quite controversial. Some people reject them completely, because they create divides and are restrictive, and some find solace in them, because they provide them with a feeling of community and of being okay. As it were, they are part of our reality and, willing or not, we are confronted with them at some point.

I generally like labels. For me finding a definition helps with understanding my identity, even though I’m aware that not everyone feels the same way. And besides, they are just collections of meaning, with specific attributes, which you can put in a hierarchy, categorize and count, which means that they basically work the same way as data. And I like data. But that’s me.

There is one specific label however that I would like to focus on. I think it’s easy to tell that I mean the word queer (as suggested by the title). Queer is an exceptionally interesting word, with a multitude of different contexts and meanings, with a pretty long and tumultuous history and no direct translation in any of the languages that I speak. Which shouldn’t stop anyone from knowing its history or using it, especially because it already functions as adjectives and nouns even in non-English queer spaces.

Etymologically speaking queer probably came around ca. 1500 in Germanic languages and is connected with the German word quer (across, oblique, askew). The circumstances of the word’s origin aren’t definite however and it’s best to adopt a ‘some say this, some say that’ approach and no one really knows for sure. What is for sure however is its meaning and for a long time queer meant something weird, something deviant of the norm, so, one could say, something across and askew.

Actually it still means that, the same way gay means being happy, but no one really uses those contexts anymore. Well, just as a trivia sidenote, e.g. Tolkien still used it, already on the first few pages of The Fellowship of the Ring, still meaning something unrelated to what we know today: “It beats me why any Baggins of Hobbiton should go looking for a wife away there in Buckland, where folks are so queer.”

It is also interesting to observe how the meaning of queer has changed over time and depending on which dictionary it was featured in, since dictionaries were not exempt from censorship or avoiding uncomfortable subjects, even if that meant that they weren’t representing the whole truth. A more detailed analysis of this phenomenon can be found in Merrill Perlman’s article “How the word ‘queer’ was adopted by the LGBTQ community” but here we’ll just have a look at what queer actually meant at different points in time. It meant something weird, something unique, but also fake money or a bad mood. Only later was it adopted as a slur for effeminate men and homosexual men, and even later it was introduced into the academic discourse and used by LGBT+ activits for self-identification, not as a slur, but as a sign of empowerment, as a synonym for the LGBT+ community or as a general term for people who are not-straight and not-cis.

This process is called reclaiming or reappropriation and concerns various environments and slurs. The basic principle is to change the meaning of a given word to take away its power from people who use it as a form of abuse. Essentially it’s taking something that hurts and turning it into something that gives strength. And queer is a very good example of that.

Even though not everyone in the LGBT+ community accepts this specific example of reappropriation and still views queer as a slur. That is also related to the time people were brought up in; those raised before Stonewall are more likely to see queer as a slur, because in their time that was how it was used, and now the younger generations are more likely to see it as a sign of defiant pride.

The matter is not made easier by the fact that queer really has a lot of different meanings. Here the question of ‘who says what’ arises again – every dictionary, every online publication and every queer person will tell you something different. And so queer can be meant as a general term for nonheteronormative people and as a synonym for the LGBT+ community, or as a complete rejection of what the LGBT+ community looks like today and as a creation of a new category or as an outright protest against the community, which faces many of the same issues as any type of community, related to racism, classism, ableism etc.

Sometimes queer can be used to express that sexuality and gender are complicated, that they can change and aren’t necessarily static, or really defined for that matter. It can also be used because the labels that already exist are too restrictive in order to describe specific narratives and experiences, and sometimes because there simply are no better labels. Another perspective is provided by Dan Howell, a British Youtuber, who made quite a splash with his mini-documentary about his coming out. In it he says: “This is why I personally love the word queer. […] The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identities, [being queer] is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint, plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs.”

I agree that queer is a cool and sometimes pretty useful term. You don’t always have to get into the details of your identity, if you don’t want to, sometimes it’s enough to simply say you’re queer. And if the details are of interest to anybody, well, there’s always time to talk.

Apart from that I think that queer gives plenty of space to look for one’s identity, when it’s difficult to tell in the beginning, or when there are issues with finding the right term (if one wants such a thing in the first place). There’s a certain comfort in it, it’s a step towards finding oneself, which doesn’t require defining everything at once and immediately having all the answers to all the questions. Sometimes it’s enough to know what you’re not, and here I’ll quote Dan again: “One thing’s for sure, whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it.”

As much as I like definitions and labels, I’m also learning that I don’t have to choose them at once. For now I know that I’m not a woman and that the gender and number of potential partners is secondary to me. Nothing more, nothing less. There’s always time to look further and regardless of all that, one can feel comforted in the knowledge that there is a basically not very precise, catch-all term that you can use to describe yourself – queer.

2. Media

Much can be written and said but the easiest and most pleasant way to get to know new things in my view is to watch movies or read books. It’s easier to familiarize oneself with a topic by experiencing stories, when you don’t have to react to anything but can simply observe. And when you’re not confronted with stereotypes or dubious values passed over the dinner table or in the news.

Which is why representation in the media is so damn important. There’s lots more of it, these days there are more characters in TV shows who are simply not normative, and that’s okay. Or in ads, like that famous one from Campbell’s, with their Star Wars soup. Of course people get offended, along the lines of ‘why are there so many gays everywhere all of a sudden’ but the truth is that they were always there, they just weren’t visible in the media, or if they were visible, it was usually only exaggerated or mocking versions of them. Which is why, again, it’s important that they show up there, to normalize things that are an inherent part of society, and have been for a long time.

But this was supposed to be positive, so off the soapbox I go and it’s time for some examples of various cool, positive media products. I want to reiterate that it’s important to have painful and sad narratives but in this case, for today, I want to highlight those happy ones.

I’ll start with movies because it was thanks to movies that I learned the most about the queer world. I think most people start out in life with blissful obliviousness in regards to queer topics, even my generation still, so, even though it’s an important topic to me now, I had to get comfortable with it at first, too.

So I watched a bunch of different movies and the one that sticks out to me the most and which is still my favorite, is this nice and pretty humble independent production called Shelter from 2007. It’s the story of a young surfer, Zach, who’s torn between his difficult family situation and his dream of applying to CalArts. Then, out of the blue, Shaun arrives on the scene, the brother of Zach’s best friend, who, wanting to or not, causes quite a stir. Though everything is innocent in the beginning, Zach and Shaun just surf together, but you know how these things go, all of a sudden the two leads can’t help but fall in love.

Shelter is beautiful in its simplicity and truthfulness. The love depicted in this film is so incredibly natural and realistic, and the dramaturgy is established so well, with relatable, yet painful conflicts. Add to that these excessively human characters, so much so that they appear average, in the best way possible. Further, the story is framed beautifully by gorgeous collages of surfing on the California coast, the climatic cityscape of San Pedro and incredibly nice, gentle music.

There are many queer films and as much as I like those that are flamboyant and out there, gay sparkles everything and all that, when I want to show someone a nice story, which is easy to understand and which allows someone to get acquainted with non-straight storytelling, I’ll always pick Shelter. I can wholeheartedly recommend this film regardless of motivation however because at the end of the day it’s just a beautiful story.

From that time I can also recommend Latter Days (2003) – a gorgeous love story with elements of religious oppression, so even though not every moment in this film is pleasant, it’s a really good story. Still, I think the most famous film from that era is Brokeback Mountain (2005). It’s definitely an important film, because it introduced a non-stereotypical take on gay love into the mainstream, but to be totally honest, it’s not one of my favorites.

In terms of contemporary cinema I can definitely recommend Call Me By Your Name (2017), because its director, Luca Guadagnino, definitely knew what he was doing when he brought this charming summer love story to the big screen, with such an intense level of Italian-ness, that you simply want to pop open a Chianti and chow down on some bruschetta.

Further, I can’t not mention musicals when talking about queer cinema, so here I want to highlight Rent (2005), a story about a group of friends in New York in the 80’s, with a terrific rock soundtrack, as well as Were The World Mine (2008). The latter is a fantasy musical based on A Midsummer’s Night Dream by Shakespeare. I’ll just say this much – if there is a way to get me interested in the musings of the Bard of Avon, it is definitely an absurd, very gay musical. Definitely recommend.

But film isn’t everything, so time for some books. I have to admit that I’m lacking a bit in this department. When it comes to movies I more or less know all the hits but the main canon of queer literature is largely foreign to me. But some books I know, so I’ll write about them.

The first one is Elton John’s autobiography called Me (there’s also a really good musical about his life, Rocketman (2019), just FIY) which is not only an incredible queer story but also a unique review of the past few decades, from the 60’s to basically now. Elton John had an extraordinarily colorful and interesting life and due to various circumstances he survived the AIDS epidemic and he doesn’t sugarcoat the reality of those times in the least. Apart from that his book is full of curious and sometimes improbable stories, told in a funny and light way, and it is proof that it’s worth being yourself and believing in whatever it is that you want to do.

The second book is something altogether different, it’s A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood (there’s also a film about the author, Christopher and His Kind (2011), and of course an adaption of the book itself –  A Single Man (2009) – directed by Tom Ford, whom I love). It’s one of those sadder stories, but there are pleasant moments and pockets of hope in it, too. In case of this book I know it’s part of the queer canon and rightfully so, Isherwood’s works in general and the author himself were an important part of the Gay Liberation – a social movement for LGBT+ rights, also sparked by the Stonewall riots.

So much about books. The last medium that I’d like to talk about is the internet. I know, a very small and easy-to-grasp topic. But the truth is that anywhere where you can create room away from the mainstream, there are spaces for nonnormative people. They used to be cellar pubs in big cities and secret messages passed along with colorful handkerchiefs, and now it’s specific internet forums and communities on YouTube.

Actually, if I’m completely honest, it was Youtube’s algorithm that got me into *the gay agenda* in the first place. When searching for videos related to Harry Potter what came up were fan productions that, well, to put it nicely, celebrated the imagined love between Harry and Draco.

But we’ll put fan labor aside for another time, here I’d like to focus on specific creators, whose content I’ve been watching for years, who have had a pretty significant influence on the acceptance of the LGBT+ community and who are simply cool.

First off I need to mention Tyler Oakley and Michael Buckley (the creator of the What The Buck show), who were not only pioneers of Youtube influencerdom but also of being gay on YouTube. The fact that they were just being themselves and were telling their stories, and lived their lives exactly the way they lived them was, in a sense, shocking. That it can be like that? That you can be you know what and live a normal, human life? Travel, goof off, deal with silly issues and sometimes even be rude or have a bad day? And I don’t mean to say that all of those things were impossible before. The revolutionary part was that now it was visible. Millions of people watched those guys just living their lives and that them living their lives was okay. Exactly that is the representation I was talking about earlier, which showed in this case that *the gays* are not criminal monsters but just regular people. 

Almost fifteen years have passed since then and the amount and variety of queer content on YouTube has very much developed and changed in that time. There’s a lot of content of the educational-showing-normal-life kind, but also entertainment formats, where it’s just about having a laugh. My favorite examples of those include Lucas Cruikshank’s channel, who not only has a fantastic surname but also a career as the first creator who gained one million subscribers on Youtube – as Fred, his character of a loudmouthed teenager with an altered voice, making it very high-pitched (and annoying, not gonna lie). These days he’s reviewing and commenting on various media productions or general pop culture phenomena, while being totally funny, so I’d recommend it. Another creator with similar content but with a totally different aesthetic is Macdoesit. Mac has his very own style and a very absurd sense of humor, and he talks about miscellaneous weird things or reviews other people’s videos.

Here I’d also like to mention a few trans creators who not only educate and help people by sharing their lives and providing successful examples, but are also simply super cool (and super beautiful, by the way) people. The first is Gigi Gorgeous, who seemingly hasn’t only inspired many of her viewers, but also many other creators on Youtube as well. She was also one of the first, because she’s been publishing content for over ten years. The extraordinary thing about her, too, was that she transitioned very publicly, which is admirable in my book. Even though the topics on her channel don’t really interest me, since they revolve around lifestyle/makeup, I still like watching her videos. She’s cheerful and totally honest, she puts a lot of effort into the quality of her productions and it’s always nice to know that she’s doing well or that something in her life has happened which she can tell a funny story about.

Another one of my favorite creators is Alex Bertie who was, if I’m not mistaken, one of the first trans Youtubers as well, at least he was one of the first that I came across. Thanks to his videos I learned a lot about what this whole thing was about. In regards to creators I’ve started watching more recently I want to recommend Contrapoints and Sam Collins. Natalie, the creator of Contrapoints, publishes very intricate videos related to complex topics, also regarding queer issues, and her videos are simply outstanding. Not to mention that she has developed a style so unique that other creators have started copying it, but you always know who the inspiration was. Even though those videos don’t always talk about pleasant topics, it’s always worth watching them, because most of the time they surpass television and big screen productions in terms of quality, even those serious ones. Sam Collins on the other hand is just a really chill dude, who comments a bit and tells stories about what’s going on on the internet and I simply like to listen to him to unwind.

The last creators I’ll mention are the Try Guys. I think they fall into the category of queer content not only because one out of the four guys who make up this team is a part of the LGBT+ community but also because the other three are very good allies, who are also an important part of that community. Their productions are light and funny and a bit (sometimes a lot) clickbaity, but thanks to their influence they contribute greatly to the aforementioned representation. The idea for the group came about when the team still worked at Buzzfeed, a media conglomerate with a history as turbulent as it is questionable, but I digress. Either way, in 2014 there came about an idea in the creative department to make a video along the lines of “hehe guys will try on ladies’ underwear hehe” and the only ones around the office who were willing to do it were those four guys who later became the Try Guys –  because they’re up for trying anything.

The video was made, in the meantime it has garnered 22 million clicks, and the rest, as they say, is history. A very interesting one by the way, during those last 6-7 years the team have become friends, have left Buzzfeed and now have their own almost media conglomerate. However, the uniqueness of their content lies not in them trying everything, but in how and with what attitude they do it. The guys are the complete opposite of toxic masculinity and they aren’t afraid or ashamed to show it. And it’s not only about them being regular guys – but them talking about their feelings and weaknesses and confronting the image of contemporary masculinity in a way which doesn’t threaten the ego, but shows that all the different ways of how you can be a man are okay. Sometimes this comes in the form of silly games of dress-up and sometimes in the form of serious polemic regarding male complexes, which we aren’t allowed to talk about after all. Either way, the guys do awesome work, and I recommend their channel, too.

I’ve shared many titles and names in this part, and there are dozens, if not hundreds more, but I think for now it’s enough. The world of queer content, like content in general, is immeasurably immense and impossible to grasp as a whole, but if someone’s interested, it can be good to find a starting point. I think all of the productions I’ve mentioned are exactly that, pretty good starting points. Not to mention that watching all this content usually means having a good time, and really, what more can you wish for.

3. Rant

I know I wrote this would be positive – and I still plan on keeping it this way – but I have a feeling that as soon as I start this rant some emotions, any emotions, might take the upper hand. But we’ll see. At least I’m counting on the conclusions to be nice. Because there’s one question, one very important question that’s been bugging me.

What the fuck is people’s problem with the LGBT+ community?

‘Cause I don’t get it.

I assume that’s because of the privilege I’ve been granted in life. I was raised in a rich, Western country, in an atheist, leftist family, where everyone, including my grandparents, enjoyed receiving higher education. I’ve always belonged to at least the middle class and I couldn’t complain about my childhood lacking anything, in fact all I could complain about was abundance. Not that I was a trust fund kid or anything, I just got lucky. I could always more or less be whoever I wanted and my parents always took care of my education, which meant private schools and one of the best high schools in town. All of which is to say that I was raised in a world with access to knowledge and there wasn’t much place for intolerance.

I also understand that some societal aversions are the result of historical conditions and prejudices, and prejudices are the result of a lack of knowledge, repression and fear. I know we like to joke that “hehe homophobes are actually gay hehe” and sometimes that’s even true, but I also understand this mechanism of masking one’s own unwanted or complicated feelings with anger. Understanding one’s identity is difficult, scary and confusing and if you add to that the mirror of societal expectations and templates, well, it’s easy to lose one’s mind.

I am also aware that some people simply don’t change, that they have their specific view of the world, conditioned by certain experiences and they’d rather die than open themselves up to new perspectives. Others simply have more important matters on their mind, they haven’t been exposed to or have no interest in the LGBT+ community, it’s a topic that’s somewhere on the periphery of their awareness, if at all. Which is understandable, because if you don’t know how you’re going to provide for your family, the intricacies of the queer discourse are really not that significant.

But, for fuck’s sake. Especially then it should be easy to have a neutral approach to all of this, not in a “let them be but I don’t want to look”-way, but regular, simple not-giving-a-fuck, which doesn’t require any emotional investments. I know that not everyone in the LGBT+ community strives for such a type of acceptance, which is quite logical since LGBT+ isn’t a monolith with a specific agenda, since – hold onto your hats – it’s not an ideology, but people, individuals, who all have their own views and needs, just like everybody else. The only way in which they differ from “normies” is that due to the persecution they’ve been facing since the Dark Ages they needed to band together in a way, in order to be able to go against their oppressors.

And now we’re in this place of an utterly needless war, which I don’t want to say is ideological, but in a way it is. People kill each other over this. Seriously. That’s crazy! Meaning, looking in from the outside, the fact of someone’s sexuality or identity really is a – well – stupid reason to kill another person. Because who fucking cares?

Naturally I realize that it’s impossible to solve this conflict by saying: “Hey, oppressor! Stop recklessly abusing people who are different than you, because what you’re doing is dumb and probably just a projection of your own neglected feelings!” and suddenly everyone loves each other. Though it would certainly make things easier if it worked like that. The fact that we are where we are now at all, whatever it looks like, is the result of countless years and suffering of activists, more or less known, who sacrificed themselves for the cause, in order for future generations to have it a bit better.

Either way, what pains me the most in all of this is that this whole oppression is so very thoughtless. Which is a tough issue, because this thoughtlessness can be attributed to the majority of bad things in the world, and if we’re not taught (and there are very few who want to teach it, by the way) how to be mindful of things, then there’s a big chance that we’ll never be able to rid ourselves of oppressive thought patterns.

Because there aren’t any rational or even scientific (reliable, anyway) arguments to prove that being queer is bad or harmful. No argument from the opposition (which is a paradox in itself – how can you be “opposed” to something that is just a part of life?) has any rational basis. All of them result from thoughtless repetition of prejudices, from ignorance, from projecting one’s own bad experiences onto an entire group of people, from a lack of contact with other people, from a lack of empathy, but most fundamentally, from fear (of oneself, of knowledge, of rejection, of societal pressure…).

Gays are pedophiles? Bullshit, gays are gays, and pedophiles are pedophiles, and the difference between pedophiles and child abusers is an entirely different subject as well. No gays in locker rooms, cause they’ll stare? First off, why is that always the first concern and second, aggressors attack, not identities. I think gay people go into changing rooms for the same reason why anyone else would go in there – to change.

No gay weddings cause God? Even assuming that this could be a reasonable argument (which it isn’t), making queer weddings available doesn’t mean that everyone needs to take part in one. No gay adoption cause think of the children? And no teachers or parades and actually, just go hide somewhere because what of the children? First off, it’s happening anyway and people live, and second, ‘kids’ aren’t your get-out-of-a-discussion-free card for everything that you don’t like. Kids are neither that sensitive, nor that stupid. And I’m not saying that kids don’t need to be protected from the world, they definitely do. But more so than from someone being queer I think that kids should be protected from, I don’t know, hate maybe. If you teach your kids that the gays are bad, then they’ll probably think that way. And that’s the key – you don’t need to teach them that, because it’s not some received truth. It’s just a weird idea that has been shaped through the years by society and we have enough knowledge and skills these days to simply say no to it. We can decide to think the issue through and not perpetuate harmful thought patterns.

Which of course doesn’t mean that every queer person is the epitome of ideal humanity. Quite the opposite. As I’ve said several times before, they’re just people. Who are dicks, crooks, wimps, rednecks, dance moms, boomers and psychos, just like everybody else. And I say let them be, regardless of their orientation. Which isn’t supposed to be some sort of sinister empowerment now, but just permission to be human. Because, and not that I’m complaining, there is a certain pressure to be ‘a good queer’. It’s easy to feel ‘not queer enough’ because you don’t fit specific stereotypes. And of course you want to positively represent your community, because there are already enough prejudices against it. A plain gay is bad enough, a gay boomer is as inconceivable as dividing by zero.

Not to mention that none of this oppression has ever led to anything meaningful in the first place. Shame has never changed anybody, no matter how much it was desired. Telling anybody that who they are is unnatural and something to get rid of only leads to one thing – shame and guilt, which has absolutely nothing to do with changing one’s orientation or identity. So… maybe we should think it over? And stop saying shit like that?

Usually at this point in the discussion an argument is put forth, which makes some people think that they’ve come up with some sort of checkmate: “but it’s the gays who are aggressive, with their parades and swingin’ their dicks around and makin’ out everywhere”. 

Well, let’s have a look at that. (By the way, it’s interesting that in these types of discussions it’s always about “the gays” and the rest of the community is sort of left on the sidelines. But I don’t want to make this a thousand pages, so we’ll leave the topic of sexism aside for now.)

You see, it doesn’t entirely work like that. Of course there are people who are extreme, who even gatekeep people with similar experiences, who are aggressive and who you can’t talk to. I think that some of those toxic behaviors are simply reactions to what these people get in the first place. You don’t want to accept us? Well, then you can fuck right off. I understand it, I don’t always think it’s justified, but everyone has a right to express dissent in any way they see fit (as long as they don’t hurt anybody, of course). But on the other hand, some of what the “opposition” views as “aggressive” behavior just isn’t it in the first place. People want to see evil in LGBT+ people (for any reason whatsoever), so all of their behaviors or even acts of self-defense will be interpreted that way. Unfortunately.

And yet there’s so much good in this community. Apart from the fact that I would like the acceptance of queer people to be a neutral not-giving-a-fuck, I really like all the flamboyancy and gaiety. I like the rainbow and rainbow merchandise, campy music, broken wrists and lilting voices. And most of all I like parades. It saddens me that gay parades are for many people the only day of the year – the only fucking day of the year – when they can walk with their partners hand in hand in public (and recently not even that is possible everywhere), but there are countries in the world and even Europe where parades aren’t about fighting oppression anymore. They’re just massive parties.

Music, drinking, good fun. Family picnics and too-expensive souvenirs. And there’s no dick swingin’, either. And even if there were, what’s so bad about that? There’s nothing inherently bad, impure or offensive about nudity. It’s our puritanical, Christian cultural lenses that did that, not the body being bad. I’m not saying that I’d like everyone to run around naked all the time – but the truth is that’s not really a concern, because it simply doesn’t happen, and especially not on the scale that people who have never been to a parade are talking about it.

And one last thought, finally one of those positive ones. Above all, queer liberation, in many forms, provides one important thing – feeling good. How many kids, teenagers, are there who grow up crushed by hate, from families, society, culture and at the end of the day, themselves. And how many of them are there for whom it gets better – and suddenly they realize that no, they aren’t abnormal, that their feelings and identities are valid, that there’s nothing to be scared or ashamed of. And for the first time in their lives they are able to feel good about themselves.

Oof. I think I ought to finish this off with an action plan or something, on what to do to make queer people’s lives, and thus people’s lives in general, a bit better. But, and this will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, I don’t have such a plan. I try to have a very Gandalf-esque approach to all this, that small everyday deeds of ordinary folk keep the darkness at bay, and not great power. I think empathy is the key to success here, that you need to want to and be able to listen to and get to know other people.

Which isn’t, of course, easy. But there are stories that show that it’s achievable. One of my favorites is the TED talk done by Christian Picciolini, a former neo-nazi, who, thanks to the support and empathy of other people, was able to leave that brutal world behind him. A revolutionary idea, there are more stories like this, and as much as we can and need to have discussions about what type of stories we highlight when we talk about oppression, I think the fact that such a change is possible at all gives some hope for the future.

Especially because we often aren’t even aware of our own distorted lenses and thought patterns. Sure, neonazism is an extreme example, but everyone has moments in their lives where they judge someone else without thinking – and without good cause. I myself used to be very critical and used to judge everybody, particularly “other” people. But I don’t want to think like that anymore and I’m working on not doing it, because I don’t think it’s right. Now I listen with interest and amazement to stories about people who defy convention in any conceivable way. You want to have operations to look like a parrot, you collect everything that’s green or you’re a man wearing heels? Awesome! Go off, king/queen, I can only admire and applaud self-confidence like that, not only in being unapologetically yourself but also in being sure of what you want your life to be like.

To finish off, if I may be so bold as to proffer a bit of advice for pride month and really any other month of the year – a bit more empathy. I know that in my leftist bubble it’s not so bad with that in the first place, but we can always work on ourselves and try to, if not to improve, then at least to maintain all that is good in the world. And that’s what I wish for everyone.

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Time for a little summary. There’s still a lot to be said about the world of LGBT+ and a lot more less pleasant things to deal with than studying the etymology of words or recommending movies. But, like I said in the beginning, I think space for positive narratives is as important as for all others. 

Because nothing is entirely bad, nor entirely good, and the same applies to being queer. Adding to that I’m a complete hedonist so it’s a pleasure for me to be interested in pleasant things. I gladly celebrate pride month, I’m happy that I’m part of the community, even if it’s hard sometimes. I’ve met cool people and heard cool stories, I’m learning a lot about the world and in general, it’s all pretty interesting.

And to anyone who’s looking or not-knowing, questioning and terrified – that’s okay, too. I know this’ll sound like a buzzword, like a meaningless phrase, but it does get better. Not at once, not with everyone, but, step by step, slowly, we’re able to learn that being queer is alright. At the end of the day, regardless of the politics and issues related to the LGBT+ community, it’s about feeling good and spending but a few pleasant moments in this vale of tears. And if some metaphorical dick swingin’ and rainbow flags should help with that – well then, why shouldn’t we do it?

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Introduction:

1. Encyclopædia Britannica, Gay Pride, https://www.britannica.com/topic/Gay-Pride

Labels:

1. Online Etymology Dictionary, Queer, https://www.etymonline.com/word/queer
2. Oxford English Dictionary, Queer, https://www.oed.com/oed2/00194686;jsessionid=29800D0408C3B2E9D6BF3ACB049B00E7
3. Columbia Journalism Review, How the word ‘queer’ was adopted by the LGBTQ community, https://www.cjr.org/language_corner/queer.php
4. J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring, 2007, Harper Collins, London
5. The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Queer, https://www.ahdictionary.com/word/search.html?q=queer
6. Planned Parenthood, What does queer mean?, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/sexual-orientation/what-does-queer-mean
7. The Gay Center, What is LGBTQ?, https://gaycenter.org/about/lgbtq/
8. Stonewall, Glossary of Terms, https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/faqs-and-glossary/glossary-terms
9. Gay Star News, Five alternative terms you can use instead of LGBT, https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/five-alternative-terms-instead-lgbt/
10. Them., 9 LGBTQ+ People Explain How They Love, Hate, and Understand the Word “Queer”, https://www.them.us/story/what-does-queer-mean
11. Daniel Howell, Basically I’m Gay, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrwMja_VoM0&ab_channel=DanielHowell

Media:

1. Time, Watch This Heartwarming Ad Showing Two Dads Impersonating Star Wars’ Darth Vader, https://time.com/4068363/campbells-soup-star-wars-gay-dads-father-ad/
2. IMDB, Shelter, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0942384/
3. IMDB, Latter Days, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0345551/
4. IMDB, Brokeback Mountain, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0388795
5. IMDB, Call Me By Your Name, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5726616
6. IMDB, Rent, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0294870/
7. IMDB, Were the World Mine, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0476991/
8. John Elton, Me, 2019, Henry Holt and Co., New York
9. IMDB, Rocketman, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2066051
10. IMDB, Christopher and His Kind, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1651062
11. Christopher Isherwood, A Single Man, 2011, University of Minnesota Press, Minnesota
12. IMDB, A Single Man, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1315981/
13. Tyler Oakley, Videos, https://www.youtube.com/c/TylerOakley/videos
14. Instagram, Michael Buckley, https://www.instagram.com/heymichaelbuckley/
15. Lucas, Times The World Almost Ended, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjS9Rm2wDsA
16. MacDoesIt, Reacting to Anti-Gay Responses on Lil Nas X’s Latest Music Video, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOvfifcEkfo&ab_channel=MacDoesItMacDoesItVerified
17. Gigi Gorgeous, MY SPERM BANK EXPERIENCE | Gigi, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4CXfdy-RHA&ab_channel=AlexBertieAlexBertie
18. Alex Bertie, 5 Transgender Video Game Characters, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOvT-hWSYm0&ab_channel=AlexBertieAlexBertie
19. ContraPoints, “Transtrenders” | ContraPoints, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdvM_pRfuFM&ab_channel=ContraPoints
20. Sam Collins, The Return of Straight Tik Tok, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXNFKZzRmTU&ab_channel=SamCollinsSamCollinsVerified

Rant:

1. Tedx Talks, My descent into America’s neo-Nazi movement & how I got out | Christian Picciolini | TEDxMileHigh, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSH5EY-W5oM&ab_channel=TEDxTalksTEDxTalksVerified